iamsolomon:

I haven’t learned a thing.

I’d talk about my trip to Utah in detail, but honestly I’m too lethargic right now. I’m proud of myself for staying composed during the trip. Only crying when I rounded the corner away from his house, and of course as the plane took off I cried in the dim cabin. Things went down in Utah that I’ll only put in a novel. But above all that? I just enjoyed myself the way I forgot to when I lived there. I went out for coffee with someone who I was scared to let myself see before. I had a conversation with someone who claimed I ate his heart for breakfast years ago.

It was difficult. And a little bit painful.

I found myself torn. Between staring at the screen and at the profile of someone who I care about so immensely. Following the lines of his lips with my eyes when he was talking to me about buying drugs. Trying to count the rings in his eyes when he inhaled deeply on his disgusting menthol cigarettes. And then finding myself at a loss for words when looking at a new face, smiling back at me. Trying to recapture the energy I used to have in the conversation. Failing to formulate the correct sentence to explain my feelings.

I suddenly understood the words I wrote almost a year ago. Put meaning behind them finally. Really listened to the lyrics of a song that I thought described something I knew so well. I could say the trip was eye opening. But I’d be lying. Nothing new was really observed, just old things that were unearthed. I met people I wish I never started talking to, and I still refuse to regret it. I held myself back when I could have had the world in my hands for a moment. I made mistakes galore. And I put a little bit more of the puzzle together. I figured out my strengths and weaknesses. I noticed my bad habits and attempted to correct them. And I at least hope, I made someone feel loved like I wanted to for my New Years Resolution. I discovered way more of myself in 4 days than I had in over a year. I was clumsy and careless. I pretended that I could believe something that I had been unsure of so many times before. And I grew to hate my favorite drink.

I’m a good actress, I’ll get better at pretending though.