Something is different this year. Apart from my age, and my height, and the length of my hair. Something bigger than how I act, and how I feel. Something much deeper. Last year, I wore a Star of David around my neck. A proclamation of every belief I held, and it stood like a neon sign for my identity.
On New Years eve, I traded my Star of David for a Swallow. For a long time I had a strange fascination with Swallows. The stories always mystified me. Beyond the legends, I adored the mere fact that Swallows always come home. And that they mate for life. Two things I’ve tried to hold near and dear to me. A symbol for the things I desire most out of life. As far as religion goes, I still hold Judaism and God above everything. But especially so far this year, I’ve made mistakes that I will never be forgiven for, not by myself or by my peers. And especially not by God. But I hope that my ambition will lead me to where I need to be.
Last night, as the swallow dug into my neck, I tossed and turned yelling how much I hate myself. I still find myself twitching at memories and whispering the same words. It’s not so much hate as it is embarrassment. I wonder if I should have ever taken the Star of David off. It was a pleasant reminder.
Nautical Miles
