We waited, and waited. Now we’re smacking them around.
“
| — | My great-aunt over the phone from Israel, when asked “What’s going on over there?” (via iamsolomon) |
Intensive Therapy Session
I haven’t learned a thing.
I’d talk about my trip to Utah in detail, but honestly I’m too lethargic right now. I’m proud of myself for staying composed during the trip. Only crying when I rounded the corner away from his house, and of course as the plane took off I cried in the dim cabin. Things went down in Utah that I’ll only put in a novel. But above all that? I just enjoyed myself the way I forgot to when I lived there. I went out for coffee with someone who I was scared to let myself see before. I had a conversation with someone who claimed I ate his heart for breakfast years ago.
It was difficult. And a little bit painful.
I found myself torn. Between staring at the screen and at the profile of someone who I care about so immensely. Following the lines of his lips with my eyes when he was talking to me about buying drugs. Trying to count the rings in his eyes when he inhaled deeply on his disgusting menthol cigarettes. And then finding myself at a loss for words when looking at a new face, smiling back at me. Trying to recapture the energy I used to have in the conversation. Failing to formulate the correct sentence to explain my feelings.
I suddenly understood the words I wrote almost a year ago. Put meaning behind them finally. Really listened to the lyrics of a song that I thought described something I knew so well. I could say the trip was eye opening. But I’d be lying. Nothing new was really observed, just old things that were unearthed. I met people I wish I never started talking to, and I still refuse to regret it. I held myself back when I could have had the world in my hands for a moment. I made mistakes galore. And I put a little bit more of the puzzle together. I figured out my strengths and weaknesses. I noticed my bad habits and attempted to correct them. And I at least hope, I made someone feel loved like I wanted to for my New Years Resolution. I discovered way more of myself in 4 days than I had in over a year. I was clumsy and careless. I pretended that I could believe something that I had been unsure of so many times before. And I grew to hate my favorite drink.
I’m a good actress, I’ll get better at pretending though.
Classical
[Redacted]: Do you have any cigarettes?
Me: Yeah. But I thought you hated them and thought they were disgusting.
[Redacted]: I do, it's a love hate relationship.
Me: Like with me?
[Redacted]: Especially.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
I Didn’t Understand by Elliott Smith.
This song gives me the chills. Perfect lyrics too. Over this.
![iamsolomon:
Found this somewhere in my dashboard when I searched for a playlist.
1. First name of your first kiss: Alex.
2. Your age: 14.
3. Your biggest fear: Never being loved.
4. City where you were born: Rehovot, Israel.
5. Your Mother’s name (or nickname), whatever she goes by: Anna.
6. You Father’s name (or nickname), whatever he goes by: Andrey.
7. Your favorite flower: Daisies.
8. First name of the person you lost your virginity to
9. Least favorite word in the english language: Alone.
10. Childhood pet’s name: Plato.
11. First name of the last person you kissed: [Redacted].
12. First name of your first love: The city.
Go to Flickr…type each answer into the search box and pick one photo from the first page. Then go to http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php and copy and past each URL from the pictures you pick.](http://26.media.tumblr.com/s4fos9ikWig2rswt3WUZcQNEo1_500.png)
Found this somewhere in my dashboard when I searched for a playlist.
1. First name of your first kiss: Alex.
2. Your age: 14.
3. Your biggest fear: Never being loved.
4. City where you were born: Rehovot, Israel.
5. Your Mother’s name (or nickname), whatever she goes by: Anna.
6. You Father’s name (or nickname), whatever he goes by: Andrey.
7. Your favorite flower: Daisies.
8. First name of the person you lost your virginity to
9. Least favorite word in the english language: Alone.
10. Childhood pet’s name: Plato.
11. First name of the last person you kissed: [Redacted].
12. First name of your first love: The city.
Go to Flickr…type each answer into the search box and pick one photo from the first page. Then go to http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php and copy and past each URL from the pictures you pick.
I don’t like to be touched. And it takes all the strength in my body for me to look in someone’s eyes.
Discovery of the day.
Nautical Miles
Something is different this year. Apart from my age, and my height, and the length of my hair. Something bigger than how I act, and how I feel. Something much deeper. Last year, I wore a Star of David around my neck. A proclamation of every belief I held, and it stood like a neon sign for my identity.
On New Years eve, I traded my Star of David for a Swallow. For a long time I had a strange fascination with Swallows. The stories always mystified me. Beyond the legends, I adored the mere fact that Swallows always come home. And that they mate for life. Two things I’ve tried to hold near and dear to me. A symbol for the things I desire most out of life. As far as religion goes, I still hold Judaism and God above everything. But especially so far this year, I’ve made mistakes that I will never be forgiven for, not by myself or by my peers. And especially not by God. But I hope that my ambition will lead me to where I need to be.
Last night, as the swallow dug into my neck, I tossed and turned yelling how much I hate myself. I still find myself twitching at memories and whispering the same words. It’s not so much hate as it is embarrassment. I wonder if I should have ever taken the Star of David off. It was a pleasant reminder.
